Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
God has abandoned us.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.