He took my last fry, your honor
You Might Also Like
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Mmmm canned fish.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree