I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Lmfaoooooo
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server