I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
plant them where lol
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.