Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?