I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
🙁
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick