5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.