My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal