We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.