i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others