Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty