I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
You Might Also Like
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Growing out my freckles.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.