NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
#Caturday
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
it must be school picture day
Make new friends? bro out of what?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.