I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
you have three unread messages
Somebody’s lying.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Happy Halloween 🎃
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers