Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
We avoided this particular disaster
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.