If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday