my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Sell your car
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??