My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Shortcut
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
the answer was staring at me all along
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house