Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
You Might Also Like
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.