13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
the dark web is just a goth google.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over