It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
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tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.