i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
real
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”