So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
You Might Also Like
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
bro what is going on at twitter
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.