I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Leaving the Barbers like
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?