“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.