[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
set yourself free xox
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*