Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
any last words?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.