Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
This is the one
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me doing my best
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym