I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Godspeed, John Glenn
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You know…for fall…
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids