so, is there a mister shapen head
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My kitchen overserved me.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.