mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
every college guy’s fridge
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying