Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”