I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Still cracks me up
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”