Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
#oldknees
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.