Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
plant them where lol
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?