*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.