2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive