Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Bike is short for Bichael.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.