New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
that wasn’t the question
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.