I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.