It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Monday
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.