Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Risking my life for fun.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: