“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids