Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
channeling her this year
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.