My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Self-cleaning conscience
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!