#DesignFail
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot