If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?