Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pok茅mon GO but like…..opposite.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it鈥檚 very sick
No wonder chickens can鈥檛 fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
based al yankovic
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I went on my daughter鈥檚 movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My husband didn鈥檛 help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn鈥檛 need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 ten pounds.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.