[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
it was love at first sight
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
this is me