[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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why isn’t he texting back
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”